Not all jokes are meant for kids, that is why we have specifically listed these jokes for adults, just make sure the kids are not around while you go through them. But of course the jokes are very funny, so you might not be able to control your laughter. These nuggets of gold didn’t come out of nowhere, we all love a good joke, especially those ones that can actually be shared with people. We’ve decided to come up with a collection of 160 jokes from around the web (not ours) that’ll get get you a laugh, here goes the list of funniest jokes for adults.
Short Funny Jokes For Adults
1. Q: How do you tell if a chick is too fat to fuck ?
A: When you pull her pants down her ass is still in them
2. Q: What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?
A: By the time you’re finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.
3. Q: Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team?
A: Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.
4. Q: Why is being in the military like a blow-job?
A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
5. Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
A: Miracle Whip.
6. Q: What has got two legs and bleeds?
A: Half a dog!
7. Q: What do you call an afghan virgin
A: Never bin laid on
8. Q: Why is santa so jolly?
A: Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
9. Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an alter boy.
10. Q: Did you hear about the guy who ran in-front of the bus?
A: He got tired
11. Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
A: By becoming a ventriloquist!
12. Q: How do you get tickets to the Tampon 100?
A: Pull some strings.
13. Q: Why Are crippled people always picked on?
A: Because they can’t stand up for themselves
14. Q: Whats the hardest part about eating a vegetable?
A: Putting her back in the wheelchair when your done…
15. Q: Why doesn’t a chicken wear pants?
A: Because his pecker is on his head!
16. Q: Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
A: He needed to get to the bottom!
17. Q: What did the penis say to the condom?
A: Cover me im going in!
18. Q: What’s worse than spiders on your piano?
A: Crabs on your organ.
19. Q: Why did the Mafia cross the road?
A: Forget about it.
20. Q: What did the Alabama sheriff call the black guy who had been shot 15 times?
A: Worst case of suicide he had ever seen.
21. Q: What kind of bees produce milk?
22. Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.
23. Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: They don’t have balls to scratch.
24. Q: What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn’t?
A: Her navel.
25. Q: What does a good bar and a good woman have in common?
A: Liquor in the front and poker in the back!
26. Q: Why does the Easter Bunny hide Easter eggs?
A: He doesn’t want anyone knowing he’s been fucking the chickens!
27. Q: What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic?
28. Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
29. Q: What do u call a bunny with a bent dick?
A: FUCKS FUNNY
30. Q: What is the difference between oral and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day and Anal sex makes your whole weak.
31. Q: Whats the best thing about a 18 year old girl in the shower?
A: Slick her hair back she looks 15..
32. Q: What’s strong enough for a man but made for a woman?
A: The back of my hand.
33. Q: What does a gangbanger have in common with a soda machine?
A: They both don’t work and always take your money.
34. Q: Why are there only two pallbearers at a homeless guys funeral?
A: There are only two handles on a garbage can.
35. Q: How do they say “fuck you” in Los Angeles?
A: Trust me.
36. Q: What do bread and autistic kids have in common?
A: They both have special needs
37. Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A: Why are YOU shaking? She’s going to eat me! One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, “Please send me a sister.” Santa Clause wrote him back, “Ok, send me your mother.”
38. Q; Whats the difference between the Florida State football team and a Florida State cheerleader?
A: They both suck for four quarters.
39. Q: What is a crack head’s favorite song?
A: I wanna rock!
40. Q: How do you get retards out of a tree?
A: Wave to them!
41. Q: What do you call a gang banger behind bars?
A: Anything you want.
42. Q; What’s the difference between a rabbi and a priest?
A: A rabbi cuts them off; A priest sucks them off
43. Q: What is Superman’s greatest weakness?
A: A bucking horse.
44. Q: Why did Hitler commit suicide?
A: He got the gas bill.
45. Q: What do you call an anorexic bitch with a yeast infection?
A: A Quarter Ponder with Cheese.
46. Q: What do preists and Mcdonalds have in common?
A: They both stick there meat in 10 year old buns
47. Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
48. Q: What’s sicker than a pile of dead babies?
A: The one alive in the middle chewing it’s way out.
49. Q: How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?
A: Pick him up and suck on his cock!
50. Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
51. Q: What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah?
A: About three inches.
52. Q: What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
A: Erotic is using a feather….kinky is using the whole chicken.
53. Q: When does a cub become a boy scout?
A: When he eats his first Brownie.
54. Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.
55. Q: Why do men get their great ideas in bed?
A: Because their plugged into a genius!
56. Q: What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
57. Q: What do the Mafia and a pussy have in common?
A: One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit.
58. Q: How many Emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None, they all sit in the dark and cry.
59. Q: How man Sorority girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, One to screw it in, and one to take a picture.
60. Q: How do you kill a retard?
A: Give him a knife and say “Who’s special?”
61. Q: Why did God give men penises?
A: So they’d have at least one way to shut a woman up.
62. Q: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur
A: A lickalotopis
63. Q.When do you kick a dwarf in the balls?
A.When he is standing next to your miss saying her hair smells nice
64. Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.
65. A daughter asked her mother how to spell penis, her mom said you should have asked me last night it was at the tip of my tongue.
66. Q: What do hockey players and Surrey girls have in common?
A: They both only change their pads after every third period!
67. Q: What do you call a bookworm who gets eaten by a cannibal?
A: “Reader’s Digest.”
68. Q: Why do dwarfs laugh when they play soccer?
A: The grass tickles their balls
69. Q: What do you get when you cross A-Rod with Chris Brown?
A: A cheater, cheater, woman beater.
70. Q: What is pink, goes in hard and dry and comes out soft and wet?
A: Bubble Gum.