Not all jokes are meant for kids, that is why we have specifically listed these jokes for adults. Just make sure the kids are not around while you go through them. But of course the jokes are very funny, so you might not be able to control your laughter. These nuggets of gold were diligently sourced for and not just randomly picked. We all love a good joke, especially those ones that can actually be shared with people. So we’ve decided to come up with a collection of 160 jokes from around the web (not ours) that’ll get you a laugh. Here goes the list of funniest jokes for adults.
Short Funny Jokes For Adults
1. Q: How do you tell if a chick is too fat to fuck?
A: When you pull her pants down, her ass is still in them
2. Q: What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?
A: By the time you’re finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.
3. Q: Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team?
A: Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.
4. Q: Why is being in the military like a blow-job?
A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
5. Q: What do you call a ninety-year-old man who can still masturbate?
A: Miracle Whip.
6. Q: What has got two legs and bleeds?
A: Half a dog!
7. Q: What do you call an Afghan virgin
A: Never bin laid on
8. Q: Why is Santa so jolly?
A: Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
9. Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an altar boy.
10. Q: Did you hear about the guy who ran infront of the bus?
A: He got tired
11. Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
A: By becoming a ventriloquist!
12. Q: How do you get tickets to the Tampon 100?
A: Pull some strings.
13. Q: Why are crippled people always picked on?
A: Because they can’t stand up for themselves
14. Q: Whats the hardest part about eating a vegetable?
A: Putting her back in the wheelchair when you’re done…
15. Q: Why doesn’t a chicken wear pants?
A: Because his pecker is on his head!
16. Q: Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
A: He needed to get to the bottom!
17. Q: What did the penis say to the condom?
A: Cover me I’m going in!
18. Q: What’s worse than spiders on your piano?
A: Crabs on your organ.
19. Q: Why did the Mafia cross the road?
A: Forget about it.
20. Q: What did the Alabama sheriff call the black guy who had been shot 15 times?
A: Worst case of suicide he had ever seen.
21. Q: What kind of bees produce milk?
22. Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.
23. Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: They don’t have balls to scratch.
24. Q: What does a 75-year-old woman have between her breasts that a 25-year-old doesn’t?
A: Her navel.
25. Q: What does a good bar and a good woman have in common?
A: Liquor in the front and poker in the back!
26. Q: Why does the Easter Bunny hide Easter eggs?
A: He doesn’t want anyone knowing he’s been fucking the chickens!
27. Q: What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic?
28. Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
29. Q: What do u call a bunny with a bent dick?
A: Fucks Funny
30. Q: What is the difference between oral and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day and Anal sex makes your whole weak.
31. Q: Whats the best thing about an 18-year-old girl in the shower?
A: Slick her hair back she looks 15.
32. Q: What’s strong enough for a man but made for a woman?
A: The back of my hand.
33. Q: What does a gangbanger have in common with a soda machine?
A: They both don’t work and always take your money.
34. Q: Why are there only two pallbearers at a homeless guys funeral?
A: There are only two handles on a garbage can.
35. Q: How do they say “fuck you” in Los Angeles?
A: Trust me.
36. Q: What do bread and autistic kids have in common?
A: They both have special needs
37. Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A: Why are YOU shaking? She’s going to eat me
38. Q; Whats the difference between the Florida State football team and a Florida State cheerleader?
A: They both suck for four quarters.
39. Q: What is a crack head’s favorite song?
A: I wanna rock!
40. Q: How do you get retards out of a tree?
A: Wave to them!
41. Q: What do you call a gang banger behind bars?
A: Anything you want.
42. Q; What’s the difference between a rabbi and a priest?
A: A rabbi cuts them off; A priest sucks them off
43. Q: What is Superman’s greatest weakness?
A: A bucking horse.
44. Q: Why did Hitler commit suicide?
A: He got the gas bill.
45. Q: What do you call an anorexic bitch with a yeast infection?
A: A Quarter Ponder with Cheese.
46. Q: What do priests and Mcdonalds have in common?
A: They both stick their meat in 10-year-old buns
47. Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
48. Q: What’s sicker than a pile of dead babies?
A: The one alive in the middle chewing it’s way out.
49. Q: How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?
A: Pick him up and suck on his cock!
50. Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
51. Q: What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah?
A: About three inches.
52. Q: What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
A: Erotic is using a feather….kinky is using the whole chicken.
53. Q: When does a cub become a boy scout?
A: When he eats his first Brownie.
54. Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.
55. Q: Why do men get their great ideas in bed?
A: Because they’re plugged into a genius!
56. Q: What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
57. Q: What do the Mafia and a pussy have in common?
A: One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit.
58. Q: How many Emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None, they all sit in the dark and cry.
59. Q: How man Sorority girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, One to screw it in, and one to take a picture.
60. Q: How do you kill a retard?
A: Give him a knife and say “Who’s special?”
61. Q: Why did God give men penises?
A: So they’d have at least one way to shut a woman up.
62. Q: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur
A: A lickalotopis
63. Q.When do you kick a dwarf in the balls?
A.When he is standing next to your miss saying her hair smells nice
64. Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.
65. A daughter asked her mother how to spell penis, her mom said you should have asked me last night it was at the tip of my tongue.
66. Q: What do hockey players and Surrey girls have in common?
A: They both only change their pads after every third period!
67. Q: What do you call a bookworm who gets eaten by a cannibal?
A: “Reader’s Digest.”
68. Q: Why do dwarfs laugh when they play soccer?
A: The grass tickles their balls
69. Q: What do you get when you cross A-Rod with Chris Brown?
A: A cheater, cheater, woman beater.
70. Q: What is pink, goes in hard and dry and comes out soft and wet?
A: Bubble Gum.
Really Funny Knock Knock Jokes For Adults
71. Knock knock!
I suck who?
72. Knock knock!
Stop crying you pussy! It’s just a joke!
73. Knock knock!
Xavier breath and open the damn door!
74. Knock knock!
Open the door and find out, asshole!
75. Knock knock!
Banana split so ice creamed!
76. Knock knock!
Water way to answer the door!
77. Knock knock!
Justin time to wipe my ass!
78. Knock knock.
79. Knock knock!
A mosquito bit me!
80. Knock knock!
Andy bit me again!
81. Knock knock!
Honeybee a dear and bring me a beer!
82. Knock knock!
Ima horney! Lets screw!
83. Knock knock!
Madame foot’s caught in the door!
84. Knock knock!
Dwayne the bathtub, I’m drowning!
85. Knock knock!
Ivana fuck you!
86. Knock knock!
Shmel Mipe who?
No thanks… I’m not into that.
87. Knock knock.
Ben dover and I’ll show ya!
88. Knock knock!
Jenny Tull who?
Jenny Tull warts!
89. Knock knock!
Budweiser girlfriend walking funny
90. Knock knock!
He’s gladiator before they screwed!
91. Knock knock!
Little Boy Blue.
Little Boy Blue who?
92. Knock knock!
Ben Hur who?
Ben Hur over the table!
93. Knock knock!
94. Knock knock!
Halibut a kiss, darling?
95. Knock knock!
Zizi when you know how!
96. Knock knock!
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
I didn’t know you could yodel!
97. Knock knock!
98. Knock knock!
Armageddon out of here!
99. Knock knock!
Lemme see those tits!
100. Knock knock!
Sho Mia who?
Sho Mia your ass!
Funny Halloween Jokes For Adults
101. Q: How can you tell when a vampire has been in a bakery?
A: All the jelly has been sucked out of the jelly doughnuts.
102. Q: What songs does Dracula hate?
A: “You Are My Sunshine” and “Sunshine on my Shoulders”.
103. Q: How does a girl vampire flirt?
A: She bats her eyes.
104. Q: Why was the girl afraid of the vampire?
A: He was all bite and no bark.
105. Q: Where does Count Dracula usually eat his lunch?
A: At the casketeria.
106. Q: What does a vampire never order at a restaurant?
A: A stake sandwich…
107. Q: What did Dracula say after reading all these jokes?
A: They suck!
108. Q: What is a vampire’s favorite sport?
109. Q: Why does Dracula consider himself a good artist?
A: Because he likes to draw blood!
110. Q: What is a vampires favorite holiday?
111. Q: What happens when two vampires meet?
A: It was love at first bite!
112. Q: Which building does Dracula visit in New York?
A: The Vampire State Building.
113. Q: Why did Dracula go to the dentist?
A: He had a fang-ache.
114. Q: What has webbed feet, feathers, fangs and goes quack-quack?
A: Count Duckula
115. Q: Why are vampires like false teeth?
A: They all come out at night.
116. Q: What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?
A: A necktarine
117. Q: How did the ghost say goodbye to the vampire?
A: So long sucker!
118. Q: What did Dracula have for dessert?
A: Whine & Ice scream
119. Q: What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snow man?
120. Q: Why do vampires scare people?
A: They are bored to death!
121. Q: How can you tell a vampire likes baseball?
A: Every night he turns into a bat.
122. Q: What’s a vampire’s favorite fast food?
A: A guy with very high blood pressure…
123. Q: Why did Dracula take cold medicine?
A: To stop his coffin
124. Q: What is a vampire’s favorite mode of transportation?
A: A blood vessel…
125. Q: What’s a Vampire’s least favorite song?
A: Another one bites the dust!
126. Q: What is Dracula’s favorite restaurant?
A: Murder King
127. Q: Where do vampires keep their money?
A: The blood bank!!!
128. Q: What do you get when you cross a vampire with the internet?
A: Blood-thirsty hacker baby
129. Q: What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire?
A: It’s a pain in the neck.
130. Q: What is a vampires least favorite food?
131. Q: Who does Dracula get letters from?
A: His fang club.
132. Q: Why did Dracula take cold medicine?
A: To stop his coffin.
133. Q: Why does Dracula wear patent leather shoes?
A: Sandals don’t look good with his tuxedo.
Funny Clean Jokes For Adults
134. Q: Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?
A: The lettuce was a “head” and the tomato was trying to “ketchup”!
135. Q: Did you hear about the hungry clock?
A: It went back four seconds.
136. Q: What do you call a gangsta snowman?
137. Q: What did the femur say to the patella?
A: I kneed you.
138. Q: “What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish?”
A: “You can’t tuna fish.”
139. Q: What do you call a baby monkey?
A: A Chimp off the old block.
140. Q: What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter?
A: An irrelephant.
141. Q: What do lawyers wear to court?
142. Q: What do you call a fake noodle?
A: An Impasta
143. Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest?
A: An Investigator
144. Q: What do you call a computer that sings?
145. Q: Did you hear about the shampoo shortage in Jamaica?
A: It’s dread-full.
146. Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?
A: Spoiled milk.
147. Q: If Mississippi bought Virginia a New Jersey, what would Delaware?
A: Idaho… Alaska!
148. Q: How do you make a tissue dance?
A: Put a little boogey in it!
149. Q: What is heavy forward but not backward?
150. Q: What does a nosey pepper do?
A: Gets jalapeno business!
151. Q: What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?
A: Every morning you’ll rise and shine!
152. Q: Why did the belt get arrested?
A: He held up a pair of pants.
153. Q: What do you call a fat psychic?
A: A four chin teller.
154. Q: What gets wetter the more it dries?
A: A towel.
155. Q: What do you call a computer floating in the ocean?
A: A Dell Rolling in the Deep.
156.Q: What did Bacon say to Tomato?
A: Lettuce get together!
157. Q: What do you call a boy who finally stood up to the bullies?
A: An ambulance.
158.Q: Did you hear about that new broom?
A: It’s sweeping the nation!
159. Q: Why did the music teacher need a ladder?
A: To reach the high notes.
160. Q: How does a suit put his child into bed?
A: He tux him in
161. One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause,
“Please send me a sister.”
Santa Clause wrote him back, “Ok, send me your mother.”